What White Men Often Don’t Get and What White Women and People of Color Often Don’t Understand
This is the third of six articles that will discuss how white men can more fully participate in the diversity process. These articles are written by Bill Proudman, partner, White Men as Full Diversity Partners LLC (WMFDP). It is our hope that this series of articles will spark a meaningful dialogue about how diversity programs can fully tap the talents and contributions of all employees.
To learn more about WMFDP, log on to www.wmfdp.com or send an email to Proudman@wmfdp.com. The views expressed herein are the author’s own and do not necessarily reflect the views of MCCA®.
Over the last 10 years, White Men As Full Diversity Partners (WMFDP) has talked with hundreds of business leaders who value, yet struggle to create, partnerships that span differences in the workplace.
For "Linda," a white female leader at a large corporation, feelings of not fitting in at work create fatigue and weariness.
"In isolation, each story can seem insignificant; however, the significance grows with the repetition. The stories don't happen occasionally. They happen every day. They accumulate in a cluttered corner of my mind where I sweep them into the pile labeled 'repress or contemplate.' It is the growth of that pile over the years that has begun to wear me down. It begins to make me accept things I don't want to accept because it isn't worth it to react. Repetition brings doubt. It begins to make me believe things about myself or white women as a group that I know are not true. It makes me question myself and gradually erodes my self-esteem," Linda shared.
Imagine how much time and energy are diverted into examining even the most innocent of interactions—wondering if ideas are heard and realities validated. On the other hand, white men often feel singled out or personally attacked. After participating in WMFDP's white men's caucus learning lab, "Mike's" reaction epitomized some of the fear and frustration that many white men experience. They are unsure of what to do to effectively partner across differences.
"I came into this learning lab with a high level of resistance toward the way diversity has worked in our company in recent years," Mike admitted. "It seems like I and many other white men are just frozen; you are damned if you do and damned if you don't. You make a comment to somebody and your hand gets slapped. You don't make a comment and your hand gets slapped. I now have a different view of my role in diversity. What I have learned is not to fix it for someone else. It's more about understanding other's reality. Maybe talk about it, maybe not, depending on where they are. I realize that I have some issues too that I need to work through."
For Mike and many other white men, feeling frozen or paralyzed is a common experience. White male leaders have less and less leeway to speak truthfully about what they know and don't know about diversity issues at work. The fear of disciplinary action and class-action lawsuits has made inquiry and curiosity endangered acts in the workplace. The result is reduced dialogue and diminished partnerships that negatively impact business results. Some examples:
- A male executive who is reluctant to meet with or travel alone with a female colleague on a business trip;
- A white manager who withholds important, critical feedback from a person of color during a performance review for fear of being labeled a racist; or
- A black woman who doesn't inform her white manager about her child-care problems, assuming he won't understand or care.
White Male Culture and Impact in the Workplace
At the center of this dilemma is the impact that the prevailing dominant culture, which can be labeled "white male culture," has on all employees' interactions and contributions. This is the business culture of most organizations in the United States. As indicated in earlier columns, white male culture is not bad. It does not need to be fixed or replaced. It is mostly invisible to white men, who rarely have to leave it. These same men are unaware that white women and people of color must continually accommodate, assimilate, and negotiate to fit into this culture in order to have their contributions acknowledged and valued.
It is easy to assume that only white women and people of color are impacted by white male culture, when in reality it creates challenges for everyone in the workplace. For example, when any employee feels undervalued or misunderstood, that individual expends more energy than is necessary to simply get through the day, week, or month. Employees forced to do this will eventually leave, and the organization must recruit their replacements, costing time and money. Those who remain adopt coping behaviors, such as keeping a lower profile or doing just enough to get by.
Recognizing these issues may stimulate deeper dialogue in organizations to create more inclusive workplace cultures. WMFDP has routinely asked leaders and managers to address the impact of U.S. white male culture at work on white men, white women, and people of color. Repetitive themes were voiced—some universal to all three groups, some shared only by white women and people of color, and some unique to each group. The most common impact voiced by all groups was feeling isolated and lonely. The overbearing and pervasive presence of white male culture pressured individuals to not be themselves—even white men, who have been conditioned and rewarded to "be strong and silent, don't ask for help," or "don't burden others with your shortcomings or struggles," and "just suck it up and get it done." Members in all groups reported that this isolation and loneliness kept them from fitting into the work culture.
Impacts on White Women and People of Color
Being Asked/Expected to Act Like White Men
Many white women and people of color are routinely affected by the paradox of sameness and difference. They are expected to act like white men, but when they do, they are penalized for it. According to "Sharon," a white female business leader who participated in a WMFDP learning lab, "My efforts to be directive, assertive, are almost always judged by white male standards. It is a double-edged sword, because when I act like successful white male leaders, I am described as aggressive or worse. I can't win. As a leader, the image I am expected to emulate is one of a male leader: Don't be indecisive, don't be too emotional, tell people the direction (don't solicit direction), don't hesitate, and don't let them see you sweat. It is not me."
When people say they treat all people the same, they expect all people to act the same. Those who don't are judged accordingly. The message heard on the receiving end is: "Act like me, talk like me, and contribute like me" or "Be a white male, or at least act like one."
If you are a white woman, person of color, gay, lesbian, or differently abled, being treated the same usually means you must continue to hide, modify, or change your behaviors to fit the current and dominant culture.
Being Bi-Cultural in Order to Fit in
Many white women and people of color talk about having to be bi-cultural at work, since they are expected to conform to white-male norms. African American men talk about going home and becoming black again. Many African American men feel ostracized and are even fearful of being labeled as acting "black" at work. Subsequently, the message to individuals is to not be themselves at work. The cost is enormous—to say the least.
Similarly, white women must also be bi-cultural. Although they usually have closer relationships with white men who are their partners, sons, and brothers, they routinely experience being judged according to white male leadership standards in the workplace as it pertains to their rationality, assertiveness, and directness.
"Whether I want to or not, and whether I know anything about diversity or not, I am often designated as the diversity committee representative, teacher to all on not just race but on all types of diversity issues."
"Julie," a senior IT manager with 25 years of experience in a global energy company, conveyed, "Even though my brain is normally wired to be analytical, I also possess a most reliable sense of intuition, often thought of as a more feminine characteristic. My intuition rarely fails me in making good decisions so I trust it. After many years of marriage, my husband learned to trust it also. Male colleagues do not. Someday I hope my daughter's colleagues not only understand and trust her intuitive abilities, but also seek them out."
Feeling Like I Must be Overly Prepared, Over Competent
White women and people of color often talk about the pressure they feel to continually prove themselves in order to respond to the unspoken thought that, "You only got this job because you were X." "Barbara," a white female senior vice president at a large hospital system who participated in a WMFDP class, shared, "I go out of my way to make sure I am overly prepared. I feel like I have little-to-no margin for error. I often feel I must be twice as good to be seen as half as capable as many of my white male colleagues." This pressure to prove beyond a measure of doubt that they are capable, competent, and prepared takes an enormous toll.
Motives Being Continually Questioned
When white women or people of color raise concerns about diversity issues, their motives are often questioned as self-interest in disguise. In addition, they can be labeled as overly sensitive, humorless, militant, or the diversity/political correctness cop.
Furthermore, companies routinely set up white women and people of color to be the diversity experts and/or teachers. This dynamic can contribute to white women and people of color holding back their comments and thoughts for fear of being labeled as a troublemaker, an angry person, or unfairly playing the race/gender card. "I become the designated spokesperson for my group," says Ron, an African American computer science engineer in a large tech company.
"Whether I want to or not, and whether I know anything about diversity or not, I am often designated as the diversity committee representative, teacher to all on not just race but on all types of diversity issues. Any mistakes I might make are magnified. Others use it to justify stereotypes about my racial group or I internalize it and feel like because I am the designated spokesperson, I can't let my group down or have a bad day."
Dress, Appearance, and Emotions are Constantly Scrutinized
Women report that frequently their dress and appearance are mentioned. The scrutiny comes with a double edge: Women who seem masculine in appearance or manner can be tarred with destructive labels. If they are too feminine, they aren't taken as seriously in the workplace and are accused of flaunting their looks to extract favors from male colleagues. They lose either way.
Not only are men and women of color closely scrutinized, they also receive subtle hints to "tone down" their ethnicity. Essentially, angry behaviors displayed by people of color frequently have very different consequences than those displayed by white men.
Over-Expenditure of Energy Leads to Self-Doubt, Exhaustion, or Frustration
The daily bombardment from small, subtle, nuanced messages takes a toll. According to a white woman leader who consulted with WMFDP, "I often say, and hear other white women and people of color say, that it takes more energy for us to do the same job than a man. Though this could sound like we think more is required or expected, I feel that it comes from the extra energy drain—the energy drained from having to spend more time to get my ideas listened to or accepted, or emotionally processing the extra clutter that's going on in the background. I have lower self-confidence than most of my male colleagues and I've found this to be a common thread amongst white women throughout my company. The good performers hide this, but often say they still feel it inside. We consistently lose opportunities by saying, 'I'm not sure I can do that' against men with less competence who are very confident they can do it. The pressure of continually being expected to conform contributes to not really knowing who I am."
One reason that women and people of color may have doubts about their abilities is that the consequence of falling short is so high. When a white woman or person of color fails—as all people inevitably do—their failure has widespread implications for their entire ethnicity. However, when a white man fails, his performance is not tied to all white men.
Impacts for White Men
White Men are Often Viewed as the Problem or Impediment to Diversity Efforts
The message is if white men simply "got it," the organization could move on. "Scott," a white male manager in a global energy company, confided, "I often feel I am walking on eggshells. The consequence for any missteps on diversity issues is even greater the higher up the organizational chart one is. There is no allowance to be unpolished or 'messy' with one's learning. Executives are expected to know it. This promotes a 'fake it until you make it' posture. It also engenders political correctness. We know what to say but nothing more than that. It's like working in a paper house. It looks good until some probing or prodding starts to make it fall apart."
"There is no allowance to be unpolished or 'messy' with one's learning. Executives are expected to know it. This promotes a 'fake it until you make it' posture."
This thinking promotes the myth that white men are single-handedly holding the organization hostage from moving forward or that white women and people of color can single-handedly lead diversity and inclusion initiatives without partnering with white men. Both are incorrect.
Work is the Primary Source of Identity
The stereotype for white men is that their primary role is to work and be the breadwinner. "George," a white male who works in banking, related, "I feel more and more pressure to achieve business results at the expense of all other aspects of my life. My fixation on work and all things related to work negatively impacts my ability to have deeper and more intimate relationships with family members and loved ones."
Great shifts have happened in this arena, and more women are primary wage earners in households. Still, many white men continue to define their self-worth by the work they perform.
Viewing Diversity Issues Through an "Either/Or" Lens
White men often have a low tolerance for ambiguity. This tendency to view things in "either/or" terms can keep them from seeing the complexity inherent in diversity issues. Many white men resist being told they are part of a white male group. They view themselves as unique individuals, and feel that if they acknowledge their group membership, they will lose their individuality. Conversely, many white women and people of color view individual white men as the representative of the larger group.
Claiming group membership does not mean a person must renounce their individuality. You don't give up one to acknowledge the other. Viewing the complexities of diversity through an "and/both" lens can assist in seeing the many facets of diversity.
Don't Ask for Help. Be Strong.
The standing joke about men is that they never admit they are lost and they certainly never ask for directions. White men view asking for support as a weakness. Many white men operate from the "run silent, run deep" school of non-collaboration. They further believe the stereotypical notion that women are better suited to manage complex people issues and are better at nurturing people.
When white men continually discount qualities like intuition, compassion, and nurturance, everyone is negatively impacted. For white male leaders, it can diminish how they utilize their "feminine" skills as courageous leaders.
Seeing Everyone Else as Diverse
One myth about white men is that they are not diverse. The reality is that white men are like any other group. No two white men are identical and all white men are not the same. Yet, most diversity efforts are disproportionately led by white women and people of color who often observe white men interpreting diversity efforts as a challenge to their workplace survival.
Many White Men Don't Know that They Don't Know
Many white men are unaware that white women and people of color are presented daily with a barrage of assimilation challenges, such as those discussed by Linda. White men are often oblivious to the various micro-barriers white women and people of color must negotiate daily in the workplace. White men generally do not have to question every interaction to determine whether it has racial or gender overtones. Not having to deal with these everyday irritations contributes to white men often being labeled with "they just don't get it."
The long-term cost of white men not knowing about the daily realities of others, and how such issues impact productivity and self-worth, is high across the board. In fact, not knowing degrades white men's partnerships across race and gender. Not being informed is a lose/lose proposition for everyone.
More about Feeling Alone and Isolated
Further elaboration on this impact on white men is needed. The prevailing myth is that white men enjoy the benefits of the "good ole boys club." While white men certainly have an easier time establishing their credibility, however, as mentioned earlier, many are reluctant to ask for help and prefer instead to operate independently.
In his book, I Don't Want to Talk About It: Overcoming the Secret Legacy of Male Depression, Terrence Real writes about the hidden epidemic of depression in men. He states that 20 years of experience treating men and their families has convinced him that, "Depression is a silent epidemic in men-that men hide their condition from family, friends, and themselves to avoid the stigma of depression's unmanliness." Problems that are thought of as typically male-difficulty with intimacy, workaholism, alcoholism, abusive behavior, and rage-are really attempts to escape depression. These escape attempts only hurt their loved ones, and unfortunately, they pass their condition on to their children.
(For additional information about depression, read the article "Addressing Mental Illness in the Legal Workplace" by Andrew J. Imparato in this issue.)
Implications for the Workplace
Everyone who is part of an organization must assimilate to some degree, whether that organization is a law firm, a corporation, a government agency, or a storefront business. But organizations need to assimilate as well, and their leaders must intentionally shift their organization's culture to more fully value and utilize the myriad talents, life experiences, and perspectives present in their workplaces.
We are convinced that white men have much to gain from recognizing and valuing different styles. In the process, they will rediscover their own self-interest and deepen their understanding of the breadth and scope of their own diversity.
White women and people of color also have work to do. They must question how their assumptions about white men affect relationships. This examination is not a linear process, and it will likely never be perfect. It is, however, an ongoing challenge for all of us to cultivate and create more consciously inclusive work environments.
White Men as Full Diversity Partners Develops New Field Guides!
These three new field guides address the critical issues of leadership and workplace diversity with refreshing candor. Woven throughout each book are key concepts, powerful reflection questions, and engaging activities.
Diversity Partnership Tips for White Men—This book puts the invisible partners of diversity—white men—in the spotlight. This paradigm-busting field guide invites white men to step out of the shadows and fully join their organizations' diversity efforts.
Diversity Partnership Tips for White Women and People of Color to Engage White Men—Open this book, open your mind, and climb out of your box. The book tackles workplace diversity with startling candor. Consider this guide required reading for all white women and people of color who want to work more effectively with white men and others.
Eight Critical Leadership Skills Created through Effective Diversity Partnerships—In this book, you'll learn how real leadership is best cultivated by working with the diverse people around you. As you read and reflect on the thought-provoking questions and do the activities described, you'll boost your ability to lead-and improve your organization's business results.
From the May/June 2005 issue of Diversity & The Bar®